The first Blogfest of the month is from Chocolate Reality! You can sign up HERE! It's called the Logline Blogfest and there are prizes! The idea of a logline is to show the shit right as it hits the fan, so to speak. Here's the traditional template:
Oh and I'm in the process of writing this thing, so expect a few revisions and at some point the actual one sentence log line.
When [MAIN CHARACTER] [INCITING INCIDENT], he [CONFLICT].
And if he doesn’t [GOAL] he will [CONSEQUENCES].
And here's my entry:
Title: Rebel in Remission
Genre: New Adult
Pathetic Attempt #1:
Slightly Less Pathetic Attempt #2:
Pathetic Attempt #1:
When Rocky McAllister's finds an engagement ring in the mail, she jumps out of a second story window to escape commitment. She realizes that her loose commitments to Alex and her career are about to tie her down for good. The mounting pressure to settle down begins to unleash the wild child lurking behind her college student veneer. With graduation around the corner, Rocky is forced to choose between who she is and who she loves.
Slightly Less Pathetic Attempt #2:
Rocky is a notorious wild child, so when she falls for Alex, it takes everything she has to lock that part of her away and be a good girlfriend. But when she finds an engagement ring in the mail, she panics and escapes through the window. An unusual Thanksgiving with her family pushes Rocky over the edge and the pressure to settle down begins to unleash the rebel lurking behind the college facade, along with the family secret that fuels it.
Not Thrilled With It Attempt # 3:
Rocky McAllister thought she'd put rebellious past behind her, but when she finds an engagement ring in the mail her normal facade starts cracking and she can't keep her wild side hidden for long.
I feel like when I trimmed it to one (run-on) sentence, I lost way too much... It just seems kind of bare bones to me, but I'm having trouble fitting her personality or her motives into one sentence. HELP! lol
One more time:
One more time:
Notorious ex-wild child Rocky McAllister starts loosing control when she see's an engagement ring in her boyfriends mail. The family secret she's tried to forget comes bubbling up after an unnerving announcement during Thanksgiving dinner, pushing Rocky over the edge and unleashing the rebel she really is.
Good job with the logline :-)
ReplyDeleteIs the apostrophe s in McAllister's just a typo?
I understand your character's internal arc but I'm not sure about the plot. What does she want?
ReplyDeleteDid she try and committ suicide when she jumped out her window? Not sure.
Maybe a bit more clarification? Good luck!
Hi Erica,
ReplyDeleteI love that you already know what you want and are going after it! It's taken me decades to reach this point - LOL!
Okay, in your logline I totally get who she is, the inciting event and the conflict, but what is her goal (graduation?) and what are the stakes?
Good luck!
Vicki
I get a sense of the tension from this logline--great job! I was curious, too, was jumping out the window a getaway or a botched suicide attempt?
ReplyDeleteYou used the word committment twice.
What exactly is she running from? At first, it seems to be the engagement. Then her career. Then graduation??? It's hard to pare down into one sentence without losing specifics, but is there one of these goals that outweighs the others?
Yea, it's under construction : ) but the input is helping me get there
ReplyDeleteErica, loglines are hard, aren't they! You've got a good start. Your first sentence is very specific but then you get generic. I know you said it's a work in progress - can't wait to read what you come up with!
ReplyDeleteI think if you focus on her most pressing dilemma, it will make the pitch stronger. Good luck!
ReplyDeletehmmmmm ugh, any one else feel like the best person to write these damn things is... not you? lol that's how I feel about it. I don't have enough distance from the story to really condense it. blah
ReplyDeleteI love the premise, and with some tightening I think you'll have it! I'm horrible at these, too, but maybe something like:
ReplyDelete"When Rocky McAllister finds an engagement ring in the mail, she jumps from her second-story window to avoid committing to her boyfriend Alex and her career. The mounting pressure to settle down unleashes the wild child hidden behind her pristine veneer, and Rocky is suddenly forced to choose between who she is and who she knows."
Like I said I'm horrible with these, but you get the idea. Just tighten it up and it'll be great!
Erica,
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean. I think we should all have a ghost writer to write our log lines and query.
I agree with many of the other's comments. You definitely have a great premise, but the first sentence threw me. DId she really jump out the window or was it just an expression? I needs a bit more clarification.
BTW LOVE the fish,,, I have them on my blog too. Blue background, and white, black, orange, blue, and green fish.
Michael
For starters, you need to get this down to one sentence to be a logline. HOWEVER, if you're participating in the MSFV contest, then you can use 1-2 sentences.
ReplyDeleteYou second version is much better (she doesn't sound suicidial anymore). You just need to find a way to condense it. Love the voice! :D
I'm confused. I think you've got a spunky character, which is great! I'm just not sure what to make of her yet.
ReplyDeleteIs her jump from the window a literal one? If so, isn't that a little extreme?
She's still in college, would there really be that much pressure to settle down at that age?
If she is avoiding commitment, WHY is she going to Thanksgiving with Alex's family? Wouldn't she just cut off all ties?
You've got a great start, I hope you post a revision.
Hey Erica, you've got an interesting storyline there :) I hear your pain - I've gone through 5 or 6 versions so far (*groans*). You've got some great questions to answer, and some wonderful suggestions. Not sure I can add much of value right now, but I'll pop round again to see how you go with your next revision :)
ReplyDeleteRach
I actually love your #1's first sentence! :o) I would suggest you capture all that madcap emotion of what she's going to do into the rest of the logline after that. Since she just jumped out a window and all! (Yes, that got my attention.) lol
ReplyDeleteYour one-sentence is good, but you're right--it has lost the voice and has become a bit vague.
Interesting! I actually think your #2 is the strongest, though I do think it's a bit too wordy still. But if you have to choose between wordy and losing voice, I'd definitely go for wordy ;)
ReplyDeleteI like the one sentence logline! It is more vague, tho.
ReplyDeleteHmmm, maybe use a specific example to increase the sense of immediacy. For ex:
Rocky M returns home from "super awesome mega party" to find an engagement ring in the mail--she has to chose between wearing a sparkling diamond and being one.
Wow, ok, so that was super corny, but it gives a specific example of what she does, thereby showing her wild side & her choices/what's at stake. ???
For the purposes of Steena's contest your logline can take up to two sentences. I suggest you use the space. If you combine revisions two and three, you would probably be close to perfecting your submission. FWIW, Jamie's version isn't bad either.
ReplyDeleteOff the top of my head, perhaps you could write something like:
When notorious wild child Rocky McCallister discovers her boyfriend intends to propose marriage, she must choose between the person he wants her to be, and who she really is.
Something like that...By combining versions two and three you can still include Rocky's personality and her dillema. I hope this helps. Best of luck on this. If it's any consolation, I just posted my fourth revision and am about to start on the fifth.(: I must be a masochist(:
Erica, that's the problem with doing one-line pitches - you do end up trimming away all of the best details in your attempt to whittle it down. I much prefer my two- to three-line versions to my one liner. Best of luck with this.
ReplyDeleteMargay
I'm skipping the other comments to give you my feedback fresh. I think the one-sentence logline is a bit short and loses some of the detail that makes it interesting. I like the first and second lines of #2, though you could leave out 'through the window'. The third sentence is overly long and missing a verb somewhere. You also tucked in the family secret there - is it part of the conflict, part of what she's running from?. If so, you need to highlight it.
ReplyDelete@ Char: Yes! Thank you for pointing out the family secret! That's what I was missing! The secret is kept from the reader as well because Rocky avoids thinking about it and refuses to talk about it. But it's made clear from her resentment towards her family and her reactions that something is wrong there. Throughout the book it's exposed a little at a time, it's the key to her character arc. THANK YOU!
ReplyDeleteI like the crispness of version #3. Good job :O)
ReplyDeleteYou do lose a lot in #3, especially the consequences of what might happen should she "fail." I like what someone else said about highlighting the family secret, which may help to explain why Rocky's such a wild child to start with :)
ReplyDelete#3 is tight and to the point, but #2 gives us more information. One way you might trim it is to end the second sentence after 'panics' and delete the 'jumping out the window'.
ReplyDeleteI grabbed your logline :)
ReplyDelete