I wanted to give a taste of my MC's personality, but also dive into the action as fast as I could. It wanted to get the readers pulse up. But in the first 250... nada. It ripped my heart out!
At first, I was having a small melt down. But then I got to work and slashed away a whooping 5 PAGES from the first 8!!
This is exactly why people say to wait a few weeks or months and then edit. I needed distance to see all the excess.
So here it is! The first 250 (edited) words of Ch 1! Now I think I have what I wanted
(You can read the original Ch 1 if you go to the "Ch 1-6" tab at the top of the page, tell me what you think! Do you like the revisions or did I slash too much?)
I lied to everybody, but not because I had to or because I wanted to. It's just hard to tell the truth when you lie to yourself more than anyone else. And to be honest (for once), I liked it that way. It was easier.NovemberAfter three midterms, I was finally home and all I wanted to do was get laid. My mind was running on auto pilot while I dragged myself up the stairs to the apartment.A neon orange Post-it was stuck to the door. A third-attempt warning for a package. Strange, I hadn't seen the first two.I snatched the paper off the door and dragged myself back down the stairs to catch the delivery guy I'd passed on the way up.“Hey, I'm 4C,” I called, “got something for me?”He turned slowly, his face haggard in a way I could definitely relate to. The man nodded, handing me a card board box the size of a baseball. The return address was marked San Antonio, Texas. The package wasn't for me.I used my key to slice open the tape and turned the box over into my palm. Inside was another box. A black satin jewelry box. The muscles in my jaw fastened shut. I glanced at the lethargic mail man, but he smiled back at me now.My nostrils flared. I used my thumb to flip up the lid and sure enough an antique diamond ring was nestled in the white silk. Damn it!
Wow. I def like this! I haven't read the original or know anything about your book as of this moment except that chapter and I'm hooked. I just...need to KNOW. you know? Awesome job!
ReplyDeleteSo, I read the original, so when I read this, I was like, what did she cut? This was what I remembered. Looking back at the original . . . holy crap! You really DID cut a lot. Honestly, I didn't see anything wrong with the first one. I have a problem with my mind wandering when I get bored, and I read the whole thing, so . . . You kept the Prologue, right?! I love, love the Prologue.
ReplyDeleteWow, that's completely different. I don't know how you want the book to go but just based on the words here, you've got another powerful ending/beginning.
ReplyDelete: ) I did cut a ton, it was just to get the right opening for the blogfest. I'm not opposed to fleshing back out a little bit, kind of like a crash diet for my book; in the end it'll probably gain a few back, still soooo much better though.
ReplyDeleteGreat stuff! Good luck on your entry!
ReplyDeleteWell, this certainly is intriguing! Nice job! :D
ReplyDeleteOh and yes, I definitely kept my prologue : )
ReplyDeleteNice way to leave it hanging!
ReplyDeleteOoh gripping stuff. Delicious anticipation in the build up. :O)
ReplyDeleteWow, Erica. That heart picture says it all. Been there, felt that. Great snippet. I want to know how your character ended up with that package and what the diamond ring means. Now, please. Good job.
ReplyDeleteVery interesting! It flowed well, and I would keep reading to see what the package means! Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteI love the character you've created here. I think many can sympathize with her. The descriptions are short, but spot on. Way to leave us hangin' with the package! Good job!
ReplyDeleteHi,
ReplyDeleteGreat opening hook! Who who sent the ring and why?
best
F
I don't think you need the first paragraph here, we can find out about his/her lying tendencies later. Second para is a great opening but it would be nice to know if the mc is male or female in the first 250.
ReplyDeleteNice set up and setting, good sense of character inner conflict right away and a great last line.
Intriguing snippet! I think I missed something though - I read it a couple of times and I'm missing why the MC is opening a package that's not for him/her (I assumed MC is female?). But I think that's just me. I'm hooked though, even if I apparently can't read today! ;)
ReplyDeleteIntriguing! Based on this I wouldn't be entirely sure if this is something for me, but I'd read on to find out. :)
ReplyDeleteGreat first 250. I'd agree with Elle about the first paragraph - I loved the first phrase but the rest bogged me down a little. Things picked right up again when it got a bit further down though, and I'd read on for sure to find out about the package. It's interesting, I got the sense the MC is a guy...
ReplyDeleteRach
interesting... I guess I slashed away her femininity! haha good to know : ) she is female. I think that the prologue that comes before this really is vital given the reactions so far. I love the variety of input that comes from these blogfests!
ReplyDeleteYeah, I didn't know if it was a guy or girl until later in the piece. Also, I didn't get why she was opening a package that wasn't hers. I read it twice, and on the second read, knowing the MC was a girl, I really liked her voice. Maybe, you lost too much weight with this piece, you may want add some lbs. back on it. Loved your characters! :D
ReplyDeleteHi again Erica. Ha, guessed wrong about the guy! I think it was the "get laid" bit that made me think she was a guy - it's just something I've heard more guys use than girls. But that may be a culture difference ;)
ReplyDeleteRach
By the end I was totally hooked, but I agree that you could live without the first paragraph. It might work better later...maybe right before or after the protag lies for the first time.
ReplyDeletenice! I agree with the others...the first paragraph can go. :)
ReplyDelete